But If Not...

Every time I sit down to write out something that I really want to say, I feel like I'm back writing papers for my English classes. No clue how to begin.

Speaking of beginning...

Nebuchadnezzer is a crazy name. I'd never put my child through trying to spell that in Kindergarten. Turns out he was also sort of a crazy king. The Bible dictionary can't really put it that way so what it says is that he was "stricken by madness" which sounds much more civil. But the basics are these: he has an enormous gold statue made and commands that whenever music is played, all must drop what they are doing and worship this statue. If they don't, he'll bake them alive in a huge oven. It's stories like these that make the Old Testament so interesting, there are so many crazies. 

Interesting note: Emperor Nero of Rome was also a crazy guy. A true crazy of crazy proportions, he also had a huge gold statue built for others to worship. He stuck it right by the colosseum and also said people would die if they didn't worship it.. The statue was of himself. Why is it that they all come up with the same ideas??

Back to Nebuchadnezzer...

He heard that three men named Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refused to do as he commanded. They refused to worship the golden idol. When he confronted them, he said "if ye worship not, ye shall be cast the same hour into the midst of a burning fiery furnace; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?"

Let's just take a moment to consider that prospect. I despise the feeling of being hot.  My ideal temperature is in the low sixties. I can't even handle visiting Arizona between the months of March and November. I cannot imagine a fate worse than burning to death in an oven. That would have absolutely terrified me. 

But they said the following:

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king."

And now, the clincher...

"But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou has set up."

You've probably heard this story and thought about what it means but lately it has taken on a whole new life for me. The principle of faith has been floating around my head for the last few months. Faith is the substance of things hoped for but not seen. I've repeated that countless times to others (on my mission, to friends and family members, while teaching a lesson in church) but am just starting to understand what that actually means to me. 

I think it is incredibly interesting that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were so faithful that they came up with one plan and one plan only. "We won't worship a golden idol, God will help us, and if for whatever reason He doesn't, we still won't worship a golden idol."Probably would have lost some of the effect if they had said something like, "No, we won't worship your idol, God has the power to help us and He will help us, but if not, then we're bringing some buckets of water and we have some friends set up to bail us out and we're also going to strike you dumb for messing with us." Their plan was beautifully simple. "We will do what we know is right, God will back us up and if for whatever reason things don't go the way we hope, we will die trusting that God truly knows what is best for our lives."

This applies to so many aspects of my life right now. As I've knelt by my bed and talked things through with my Heavenly Father, I have spent a lot of time fighting fears and fighting back tears as I've struggled to understand really what faith means. Faith means you don't know. And that it's okay that you don't know. Because HE knows. Faith means not planning an exit strategy or escape route. Faith means trusting that the safety net of the Atonement covers everything. It means putting your might, mind strength and especially your heart into something good and then trusting that it will work out. Faith means putting your all into the belief that Heavenly Father will back you up, and even if He does the opposite of what you wanted Him to do, you know that that IS Him backing you up... in a way that we can't quite comprehend. And dang gina... I have a hard time with this. I am a planner. I like to think ahead and know what's coming and be able to anticipate everything. He lets me do that to an extent but I think He is purposefully putting me in situations where that is not a possibility so I learn more about the most fundamental principle of the gospel. Faith. He is helping me to understand that if I put my all into things, I will not regret it. And by ridding myself of the poisonous mentalities of the adversary (i.e. this probably won't work out, you should be worried about this, what if everything backfires?, you're going to get hurt, don't go all in because you'll fall further) I can embrace an attitude of faith. 

As I said, this applies in multiple facets of my life but I'll share one that is maybe the most articulateable. Yes, that's a word. 

I have two main desires for what my life is to become on this earth. One is to be a loving and strong wife. No, we're not going there. I'm not quite prepared to empty the contents of my journal into my blog just yet. Just rest assured that this principle absolutely applies there too. But the other is to be a noble mother. This desire started when I was just a little girl and I have thought often of my children to be. In fact, I have felt a profound love for future little beings that don't even exist yet. I hope they get my blue eyes but not my eyesight, that they get my curly hair but not my frizzy hair. I am so excited to sit in my children's room and sing them to sleep. To braid my little girl's hair as she fidgets and screams and tries to wriggle away. To go to every one of my son's little league games and give him capri sun and orange slices afterwards. I'm excited to spend money to put up a basketball hoop in the driveway and to pull out my dolls that are carefully packed away to someday present to a small pair of hands. I'm excited to make lunches and clean up messes and wipe teary faces and kiss little foreheads. I'm even excited for sleepless nights and scolding and long drives. Anticipation of Motherhood is one of the main reasons I went on a mission. It is the reason I chose to study what I studied in college. Motherhood is the reason I try to keep my body healthy by exercising and eating well. The anticipation of this role is a catalyst and reason for some of the hardest and most demanding things in my life. 

But back in February, I learned that this possibility of Motherhood is in jeopardy. I went in for some pretty intensive surgery for what they thought was cancer only to find that I have a very serious and severe case of endometriosis. Basically, with my specific case and how bad it is, the doctor said that having children may be very difficult or might even be impossible. I cried myself to sleep for a few days as I recovered from the surgery, devastated. I shook my fist at heaven and scolded God. "You know how much I want this, you know I'm living my life well, how could you do this to me?"

After I had finished my tantrums and foot stomping, I was able to counsel with the Lord a little more and He began to direct me. He taught me that promises from the Lord are as real and as binding as anything I've ever experienced. He has promised me that I will fulfill my role as a mother. End of story. There is nothing else to know, nothing else to ask, nothing else to plead for. Not now. No escape routes, no exit strategies.

Doctor Nebuchadnezzer: Lizzie, it looks like the chances of you having kids don't look that good. Motherhood may not be an option.

Lizzie: Well, I have a Heavenly Father who has told me otherwise... and his promises are more secure than anything modern medicine can tell me. But you know what, Doctor Neb? When the time comes for me to have kids I discover that it isn't possible, I still won't lose faith. I will still trust the plan of a loving and perfect Father and will trust that He will honor his promises in other ways. And I will absolutely be a mother. 

For now, I have faith in things that I cannot see: grubby little noses and moody teenagers and school plays and summer popsicles. 

And so it goes for every aspect of my life. I don't plan for important things in my life to fail... I plan on being backed up by the Lord, which trumps any plan or any path I could design for myself. That means sometimes throwing things in Satan's face a little and saying, "I believe that this will work and I'm going to proceed on that pure faith. But if not, it won't ever mean that I bow to you. I will clasp even tighter to the hand of the Lord." 

And then I punch Satan in the face. And that is what happens.