Continue in Patience

Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.

Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.

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Patience [is] more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience require[s] actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results [don't] appear instantly or without effort.

There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

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As the Lord is patient with us, let us be patient with those we serve. Understand that they, like us, are imperfect. They, like us, make mistakes. They, like us, want others to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Never give up on anyone. And that includes not giving up on yourself.

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The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel. The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple. The Nephites waited for a sign of Christ’s birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come, they would perish. Joseph Smith’s trials in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, “How long?” ⁴

In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.

Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer.

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 God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways. 

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We must learn that in the Lord’s plan, our understanding comes “line upon line, precept upon precept.” ⁶ In short, knowledge and understanding come at the price of patience.

Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.

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Patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels. Patience is truly a fruit of the Spirit.

Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich.

Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.” ⁸ Ultimately, patience means being “firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord” ⁹ every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so.

Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most. This was true in the time of the Savior. It is true in our time as well, for we are commanded in these latter days to “continue in patience until ye are perfected.” 

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^{It is my prayer that patience will be a defining characteristic of we who hold the priesthood of Almighty God; that we will courageously trust the Lord’s promises and His timing; that we will act toward others with the patience and compassion we seek for ourselves; and that we will continue in patience until we are perfected.} 

Assuming control.

 “Most people never fulfill their human promise and potential because they remain perpetually helpless children overwhelmed by a sense of inferiority. The feeling of being okay does not imply that the person has risen above all his faults and emotional problems. It merely implies that he refuses to be paralyzed by them. He is determined to accept himself as he is but also to assume more and more control of his life.”
-Dr. Thomas Harris

Get your feet wet.

True faith is focused in and on the Lord Jesus Christ and always leads to action. Consider this powerful example:

Under the leadership of Joshua in the Old Testament, the children of Israel transported the ark of the covenant. The Israelites came to the River Jordan and were promised the waters would part—that they would be able to cross over on dry ground.

Interestingly, the waters did not part as the children of Israel stood on the banks of the river waiting for something to happen; rather the soles of their feet were wet before the water parted. The faith of the Israelites was manifested in the fact that they walked into the water before it parted.

How many times in our lives do we want the waters to part so we can cross over on dry ground? Trusting in God enables us to press forward with a brightness of hope into uncertain and often challenging situations.

-Elder Bednar

Continuing Revelation

We all know that human judgment and logical thinking will not be enough to get answers to the questions that matter most in life. We need revelation from God. And we will need not just one revelation in a time of stress, but we need a constantly renewed stream. We need not just one flash of light and comfort, but we need the continuing blessing of communication with God.

-President Henry B. Eyring

Smashing Plates

A few years go, we had a strange FHE activity. We took permanent marker and wrote on glass plates all of the things that were troubling us and then we took them to a friend's garage and smashed the plates into little tiny pieces. It was incredibly cathartic. Later, I wrote this in my journal, which is as true today as it was then:

There is something about taking control of a situation and dismissing depressive thoughts that come directly from a being hell-bent on making us miserable that is incredible relieving. "Old Scratch" as he is sometimes called works tirelessly to convince us that we are not enough, that we lack ability, that the divine help that we think we have is all for naught. He attempts to trick us in to thinking that he, not us, is in control. He tries to persuade us that we are hopeless and alone. As I stared at the words on that plate, I realized something. They are just words. And the fear and pain associated with each originates from a powerless and pitiful source. They are nothing to me. And I stood in a divine body capable of movement and expression with a mind proficient in making inspired decisions that will ultimately lead me back to a place of light and understanding and love, I realized how easy it is to excuse and disregard the despicable. These words on my plate when met with my strength and conviction became nothing more than dust to be thrown out with tomorrow's trash. I'm left unshackled and unburdened because I am yoked to a perfect porter who relieves me of a load that I am unable to bear alone. Satan has nothing to do with this process, so I'll ask him to stay out of it.

"That They Might Not Shrink"

Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in moving mountains—if moving mountains accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in healing the sick, deaf, or lame—if such healing accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Thus, even with strong faith, many mountains will not be moved. And not all of the sick and infirm will be healed. If all opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, then the primary purposes of the Father’s plan would be frustrated.

Many of the lessons we are to learn in mortality can only be received through the things we experience and sometimes suffer. And God expects and trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity.

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The potent spiritual combination of faith in and on the holy name of Jesus Christ, of meekly submitting to His will and timing, of pressing forward “with unwearied diligence” (Helaman 15:6), and of acknowledging His hand in all things yields the peaceable things of the kingdom of God that bring joy and eternal life (see D&C 42:61). ...“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, [kept their] hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7).

For many of you, their story is, has been, or could be your story... I do not know why some people learn the lessons of eternity through trial and suffering—while others learn similar lessons through rescue and healing. I do not know all of the reasons, all of the purposes, and I do not know everything about the Lord’s timing. With Nephi, you and I can say that we “do not know the meaning of all things” (1 Nephi 11:17).

But some things I absolutely do know. I know we are spirit sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. I know the Eternal Father is the author of the plan of happiness. I know Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. I know Jesus enabled the Father’s plan through His infinite and eternal Atonement. I know that the Lord, who was “bruised, broken, [and] torn for us” (“Jesus of Nazareth, Savior and King,” Hymns, no. 181), can succor and strengthen “his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:12). And I know one of the greatest blessings of mortality is to not shrink and to allow our individual will to be “swallowed up in the will of the Father” (Mosiah 15:7).

Though I do not know everything about how and when and where and why these blessings occur, I do know and I witness they are real. I testify that all of these things are true—and that we know enough by the power of the Holy Ghost to bear sure witness of their divinity, reality, and efficacy. 

-Elder David A. Bednar

Usefulness of Reason

The Spirit, or Light of Christ, is given to everyone to provide guidance and encouragement in those important domains of moral action where reason and experience are demonstrably inadequate guides. It is a simple fact of modern philosophy that reason has not even come close to providing anyone with a single true and persuasive set of moral principles. Even if we had such a complete set of moral guidelines, our reasoning abilities would not be adequate to use them in particular situations to always know what we should do. We are therefore all in need of an omniscient friend who knows what courses of action will have the best implications for the future. As this friend gives us spiritual guidance and tells us what is right, we will come to rely on it if we are honest in heart and as we recognize the reliability of that guidance. Thus by being rigorously honest in pursuing what is right and true, even when it requires sacrifice on our part, we can come to have faith—to act as Christ directs without knowing how or why but knowing that his is the only reliable direction we have ever discovered.

All of this assumes that his voice is distinctive, that it is recognizable by us and not readily confused with other sources of ideas. It also assumes that we have a commitment to what is right, that we will be able to respond to that spiritual guidance as we learn about it. The suggestion, of course, is that it is this very commitment to the right and our sensitivity to direction from the Lord, as well as our honesty of heart, that are being tested in this probationary state.This analysis suggests that the Lord does expect us to use all the tools he has given us in a diligent and rigorously honest way in the pursuit of truth. Although I have already indicated that reason is inadequate to insure the discovery of truth, it is extremely useful in identifying error. There are many ways in which reason can be used to reveal erroneous or problematic claims to truth. We can identify contradictions or gaps in our own system of beliefs as we examine them rationally. Reason will also help us to identify inconsistencies which need repair that might occur between our own beliefs or ideas and the beliefs of the prophets as recorded in scripture. And it will help us compare alternative courses of action. That is, it will help us if we have developed our ability to think and to use our rational capacity.

But reason is not adequate to show us definitively which answers are true. We will always be in need of an omniscient friend to point out the way, to let light through the clouds and darkness, to open our understanding to truths and explanations we could never have thought of from our positions of ignorance...

The Lord delights to bless his children, and when we need answers quickly to questions where we cannot help ourselves, he does not take from us that opportunity of coming to our own decisions. We are promised the guidance of the Holy Ghost in all things. It is my belief that as we exercise our agency in humility and righteousness, the Lord will warn us spiritually should we begin to go astray. I also believe that at every stage of the process of analyzing a problem and formulating a decision, those gentle promptings are available to help us find our way and come to the proper course of action.

-Noel B. Reynolds, Reason and Revelation

New Sort of Blog

I don't think many or ANY people read this anymore since I haven't written for years and blogs somehow fell sort of out of fashion. If anyone IS reading this and is confused by my sudden onslaught of posts, allow me to explain. I've been needing a place to record spiritual realizations. A journal wouldn't do because I wouldn't be able to carry it with me always and my computer won't do for the same reason. A blog works great because I can access it at anytime from my phone. This is where I put things that inspire, comfort, or help me. I thought about making this private but just in case anyone does stumble upon this and does find something helpful, I decided against it.

There. Now you know why I've posted a dozen things in a matter of weeks when I was completely absent for a couple of years.

Spiritual Altitude

Once again, I'm relying on past realizations for current struggles. Reading through journal entries from times of triumph and sorrow has been eye-opening to say the least. This is what I wrote after climbing Kilimanjaro with my dad, and I am re-remembering the HUGE lessons I learned during that time.

The night of the first day of the hike, I wrote in my journal to answer a question many have asked ever since I decided to hike Mount Kilimanjaro. 

WHY?

Why did you do it? What made you decide that this was something you wanted to do? What person in their right mind would want to hike this mountain? My answer (slightly edited) is below:

This hike is so much more than a hike to me. It is symbolic of a lot of things in my life. Dad and I decided to go at a time when life had flipped upside down and I felt lost, insecure and vulnerable. I needed to prove to myself that I CAN DO HARD THINGS. I can conquer discouragement and despair, that with my Heavenly Father with me and with access to the Atonement, I can do all that is required of me. This mountain is going to be difficult but it is going to take me higher—literally—than I’ve ever been while breathing with my own lungs and walking with my own feet. Its going to push and challenge me—both physically and mentally—more than I’ve ever been pushed or challenged. The scriptures talk continually of “the mountain of the Lord” and about how those closest to God would often seek him after ascending up a high mount. In these conversations on top of the mountain, these individuals would receive revelation, guidance, peace and direction. In my life right now I feel a great need for all of those things. Grandpa Jones gave Dad a blessing the night before we left and said that we both need this to be a SOUL SATISFYING experience. I want this to be an outward demonstration of an inward mentality that I CAN DO HARD THINGS. Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro is hard. There are other things about my life that are hard right now. But all are doable and conquerable with help from above. Both will be overcome. Kilimanjaro represents a lot of things I want to conquer and get over. Doubt about the Lord’s promises, insecurity regarding my future, and more than anything else the mountain is a tangible example of FEAR. This is an adventure that is designed to increase faith. I think of the times in my life when I grow and develop the most- the times when my testimony is strengthened and solidified. Without exception, this happens in times of trial. I gain faith when I’m inclined, or sometimes forced, to use it. Part of my reasoning for wanting to climb this mountain is because I know it will be hard. Because I know I can’t do it by myself. Because I know that putting myself in a physically and mentally vulnerable position will yield spiritual results.  These doubts, these fears and these insecurities all need to be overcome in order for me to see clearly and develop the strength necessary to move on And so, I climb higher for more perspective and light... to be closer to deity… to sweat and cry and then to triumph. THAT is why I climb.

Looking back, that is very much what this trip was for me. I had a lot of time to think as I hiked the trails of Kilimanjaro. I had experiences on the trail that showed quite obviously that by myself I wasn’t enough, but with the help of a loving Heavenly Father who makes our interests his and our thoughts and feelings priority, it was doable. One of the most poignant examples that I have of this relates to clouds and perspective. 

Going up the trail was great at first. Ignorance truly was bliss on that first day. I had no idea how cold it was going to get or how hard it was going to be. I could only see the trail in front of me and it didn’t look too difficult. There were huge trees blocking my view of anything else so all I could comprehend was what was in front of me. I loved the surroundings, I loved where I was, I loved how I felt. As the trail got steeper and more difficult, I began to question the trail slightly. Why do we need to go this way? Wouldn’t it be easier that way? Why can’t we just stop here? Why can’t they make this part easier? Looking up was frustrating because I still could only see part of the trail and the clouds covered the top of the mountain so I couldn’t really gauge how far we had left to go. But after a good deal of work, after choosing to trust those around me and more importantly to trust the calming feelings inside that prompted faith and peace, I was able to experience something wonderful. We rose above the clouds. It was tough work getting there, especially since the air is thin and the trail is difficult, but I could look out and see a new perspective entirely above the clouds. I could see the trail and it made sense. It is difficult to argue with the trail when you’re looking at it from the top. I could see why we’d been led in one direction and not another. I saw reason behind decisions that had been made. I could see the top and where I was going and I could see where I had come from. I didn’t have anything obstructing my view.

Sometimes I get a little blinded by the trail in front of me. I take little thought for what lies ahead and am content to stay how I am. But the only way to progress and get higher is for the trail to get steeper. Most of the time I don’t understand they whys and hows associated with the path I’m currently taking, but I can trust that it is taking me to where I need to be. And I also believe that perspective is something you earn through hard work, whether it be physically, emotionally or spiritually. I had to earn that view above the clouds just like I need to work to maintain an eternal perspective. It is much harder to argue with the trail from the top of the mountain just as it is difficult to argue with the way your life has gone once you turn around and see the sense of where you’ve come from. If you had asked me five years ago where I thought I’d be in five years and what I thought I’d be doing, I can guarantee that I would’ve described a life very different than the one I’m living. But since when am I an expert at the way a life should go? With my limited perspective and narrow vision, I am in no place to make judgment calls. I can leave that to a Guide with more experience, perfection, and better eyesight. In the meantime, I should continue to work hard to gain spiritual altitude.

I will continue to fight to get to the top, for I know what resides there and I know what kind of life awaits me there. Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro taught me this. Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro helped me get over some things that I've been struggling with for months. Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro helped me realize that I CAN do hard things. Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro gave me a stronger relationship with my Father... both my earthly and my Heavenly Father. Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro taught me so much that I'm still discovering things I've learned.

Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro was amazing. 

Earthquakes repost.

Another repost. This one is from March of 2012:

So, I have had some time recently to really consider what it means to have a Father in Heaven who is interested in the diminutive details and minutia of my life. To illustrate this point, I'd like to briefly mention earthquakes. I'm not going to take time to define the term for you... I know you know what they are and what they can do.

Scary. Destructive. Something absolutely to prepare for and when necessary, recover from. But you realize as well as I do that when a devastating earthquake occurs, it affects a specific area and specific group of people. We see the results on CNN, we pray and try to send relief, but we do not feel that ground tremble. We do not see our houses collapse. In essence, we don't feel it like they do. And perhaps you have... perhaps you've experienced one and if so, I'm sure you can say it was worrisome. But the earth shudders and shakes without us knowing every day. For example, google just told me that yesterday an earthquake hit off the coast of Australia... rated at a 6.6. Did you feel it? Didn't think so. We don't feel others' earth quaking unless we're right there in the thick of it with them. 

I personally have never experienced an earthquake that I can remember. I don't suffer from the effects of earthquakes like so many throughout the world have physically. But I can tell you about times in my life when my earth has quaked... when my stability and my foundation were rattled and threatened to topple. And maybe my reasons for this sudden insecurity and fear seem trivial to all others. Maybe no one else's earth would rock and sway under similar circumstances but mine sure did. Maybe they couldn't feel it, but I did.

I had an experience like that recently. My earth shook. I grasped for stability and understanding. I had tried to prepare but found myself afraid and feeling alone. Others felt a portion of the fear because they are deeply involved in my life but it was I that, in my rattled state, knelt before my God and plead for help. Over the next few days and weeks, I have communicated with Him who sees everything with perfect perspective and who knows the end from the beginning. He knew this was not my end and helped me understand how to begin. Through conversing with Deity, I came to understand for myself why he was putting me where I was and what I should do to best embrace His charity and goodness. I realized an enormous tender mercy in a trial and realized that a loving Father was trying to shield His beloved daughter from further pain and anguish. He wasn't trying to injure or break me... rather He was trying to build and protect me, which can sometimes be a painful process. 

I had this epiphany today. When we are young, we tend to scream and rage against our parents when they are trying to put us to bed, limit our sugar intake, keep us from playing outside after dark, make us eat our vegetables. They often put us in situations that for us caused our very worlds to shake. You've seen a child in absolute despair over something seemingly small... you want to go and tell them to snap out of it, that it doesn't really matter in the long run if they can't find their favorite blanket... but you don't. Why? Because you understand that that they will gain perspective with experience. Yet it doesn't change the fact that it was painful, difficult, impossible for the younger versions of ourselves to understand why we could not eat that chocolate or stay up late. Elder James B. Martino of the Seventy spoke about this a few years ago in General Conference:

Sometimes we pass through pain and sorrow that we might grow and be prepared for potential trials in the future. I ask a question to you mothers: “Would you ever do something that would cause pain and bring tears to your children when they have done nothing wrong?” Of course you would! When mothers take young children to the doctor to receive immunizations, almost every child leaves the doctor’s office in tears. Why do you do that? Because you know that a small amount of pain now will protect them from possible pain and suffering in the future. Our Father in Heaven knows the end from the beginning. We need to follow the example of the Savior and trust in Him.

This is what Father has been doing with me lately. He's put me in a difficult situation and doesn't excuse Himself, He knows it's painful. But He does this all because He is trying to lessen if not eliminate future suffering. He is steadying my shaking earth. Just as Christ has the power to calm a tumultuous sea and heal a crippled hand and raise a hopelessly ill individual from the dead, He has the power to steady the shaking in a life, no matter how dilapidated. When life seems bleak or anxiety settles in for the long haul, that is when Heavenly Father (only with permission and invitation) extends a perfect hand. When things are difficult, especially when others cannot or will not understand the difficulty and why it plagues you, God can get to you. He can reach you. He can change you and change the earth you stand on because He created both you and your world and He is master of both. 

I know this because I've been experiencing it these last few weeks. Again, it may not be anything earth shattering for any of you... but it sure seemed to shatter me for a little bit there. But because I have been taught to talk to this Eternal Parent, I have learned to recognize His voice and understand His doings in my life. I am in no way perfect at this process and am learning daily how to understand more but I hear Him, I see Him, I feel Him. 

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,  

My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply; 

The flame shall not harm thee; I only design 

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

Nothing is more important to me at this stage in my life than my relationship with God, my ability to talk to Him, and the charity He continually bestows upon me in the form of trial. 

But if not.

I first posted this in May of 2012. Again, re-learning things I've already learned before, but that are becoming pertinent again:

Nebuchadnezzer is a crazy name. I'd never put my child through trying to spell that in Kindergarten. Turns out he was also sort of a crazy king. The Bible dictionary can't really put it that way so what it says is that he was "stricken by madness" which sounds much more civil. But the basics are these: he has an enormous gold statue made and commands that whenever music is played, all must drop what they are doing and worship this statue. If they don't, he'll bake them alive in a huge oven. It's stories like these that make the Old Testament so interesting, there are so many crazies. 

He heard that three men named Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refused to do as he commanded. They refused to worship the golden idol. When he confronted them, he said "if ye worship not, ye shall be cast the same hour into the midst of a burning fiery furnace; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?"

Let's just take a moment to consider that prospect. I despise the feeling of being hot.  My ideal temperature is in the low sixties. I can't even handle visiting Arizona between the months of March and November. I cannot imagine a fate worse than burning to death in an oven. That would have absolutely terrified me. 

But they said the following:

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king."

And now, the clincher...

"But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou has set up."

You've probably heard this story and thought about what it means but lately it has taken on a whole new life for me. The principle of faith has been floating around my head for the last few months. Faith is the substance of things hoped for butnot seen. I've repeated that countless times to others (on my mission, to friends and family members, while teaching a lesson in church) but am just starting to understand what that actually means to me. 

I think it is incredibly interesting that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were so faithful that they came up with one plan and one plan only. "We won't worship a golden idol, God will help us, and if for whatever reason He doesn't, we still won't worship a golden idol."Probably would have lost some of the effect if they had said something like, "No, we won't worship your idol, God has the power to help us and He will help us, but if not, then we're bringing some buckets of water and we have some friends set up to bail us out and we're also going to strike you dumb for messing with us." Their plan was beautifully simple. "We will do what we know is right, God will back us up and if for whatever reason things don't go the way we hope, we will die trusting that God truly knows what is best for our lives."

This applies to so many aspects of my life right now. As I've knelt by my bed and talked things through with my Heavenly Father, I have spent a lot of time fighting fears and fighting back tears as I've struggled to understand really what faith means. Faith means you don't know. And that it's okay that you don't know. Because HE knows. Faith means not planning an exit strategy or escape route. Faith means trusting that the safety net of the Atonement covers everything. It means putting your might, mind strength and especially your heart into something good and then trusting that it will work out. Faith means putting your all into the belief that Heavenly Father will back you up, and even if He does the opposite of what you wanted Him to do, you know that that IS Him backing you up... in a way that we can't quite comprehend. And dang gina... I have a hard time with this. I am a planner. I like to think ahead and know what's coming and be able to anticipate everything. He lets me do that to an extent but I think He is purposefully putting me in situations where that is not a possibility so I learn more about the most fundamental principle of the gospel. Faith. He is helping me to understand that if I put my all into things, I will not regret it. And by ridding myself of the poisonous mentalities of the adversary (i.e. this probably won't work out, you should be worried about this, what if everything backfires?, you're going to get hurt, don't go all in because you'll fall further) I can embrace an attitude of faith. 

Changing stone into bread.

Funny how your past self sometimes has the opportunity to teach your present self things to help your future self.

From my journal, August 11, 2011:

It started much like the other days I lose perspective: a really long day followed by a frustrating evening topped off with a difficult experience. I felt out of touch with the Lizzie that I know and love... the Lizzie that I'm used to. That Lizzie is usually in control, typically easy going and not easily offended. That Lizzie is happy and faithful and hopeful. That Lizzie wasn't around on the evening in question and I was missing her, feeling not at all at home in this foreign Lizzie. Angry, upset, worked up, fed up, pent up frustration seeping out the seams. Hot and angry tears slid down my scowling face as I paced the floor in my room. My room isn't big so the pacing turned more into walking small infuriating circles. In my head flowed thoughts like unto the following: 

"I don't deserve this. I'm sick of this. I shouldn't have to put up with this. I want better than this. I want out. I want a break. I've earned a break. I didn't ask for this. This isn't my fault. None of this is my fault. It's someone else's fault and some else's problem and they'd better fix it before I explode." 

I felt so misunderstood, and not the kind of misunderstood that comes when I tell people that I like green bananas or admit that I prefer rainy days over sunny days. This was a deeper and more profound feeling of being misunderstood that led into a feeling of being grossly misrepresented. And my natural and indignant self refused to stand for it. I was blinded to perspective by selfish self-preserving anger. 

I wish I could say that it was then and there that I hit my knees and turned to the right source, but I can't. I stayed mad. I justified my anger. I stroked my conscience until it stopped protesting and paced around my cell of circumstance, refusing to realize that the keys were in the door and I could leave at any time. 

I wanted to be validated. I wanted to call those that love me and say, "Hey... tell me I'm right. Tell me I have a reason to be upset about this. Tell me good things about myself and tell me it'll be okay and make me feel better." You see, what I realize now is that I was seeking something beyond validation. I should have said something like "...and make me feel better about this contention in my heart because deep down I know it's wrong..." but I didn't/ wouldn't see that at the time. Hindsight, people. Hindsight. 

Something held me back though, which I'm grateful for. Aren't you thankful for that "something" that always holds you back or makes you move or inspires you to listen or causes you think or stops your mouth? When I get back to Heavenly Father, this is one idea I'm going to want to high-five Him for... that mysterious something. 

The situation was hard. A genuinely difficult situation. But I was making it harder on myself and others. I was making it worse. 

I went to sleep. Fitful sleep to say the least. Bad dreams that I can't remember but I know they were bad. When I woke I felt stressed and more tired than I was when I went to bed. I laid there, not wanting to get up, not wanting to leave my room. 

I think in this tired and vulnerable state, the spirit was finally able to get through the crusty exterior I had built around my heart. 

Lizzie, seek peace. 

Finally inching to the edge of humility, I began to pray. And it took all of 2 seconds for the feeling to come. 

suc·cor

noun /ˈsəkər/ Assistance and support in times of hardship and distress verb /ˈsəkər/ Give immediate assistance; to run to aid of someone or something

That's what I got. Succor from a Father who was literally waiting in the wings for permission to help. He won't ever trod over our agency to get to us. "That He may know according to the flesh how to succor His people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:12) I felt overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and confidence and love.  

But He never stops there. Then came the teaching and also the loving chastisement. Clarity. 
You don't need to understand why certain things happen. There are times when you perhaps aren't initially at fault that you end up assuming some of that fault based on your reaction, be it public or private. The Lord will not stand for judgement or criticism of his children, period. He will never authorize it or support it. Your obligation is to take the things that happen and change them into good things (i.e. learn from them) before taking them inside of you. If you ask for bread and you hold in your hands something that looks like a stone, ask for His help to change it into bread and then use it for good. 

"What man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread will give him a stone? If ye being evil know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" 

3 Nephi 14:9

And then came the message that has come many times previously. Lizzie, you're okay. You're okay. The situation didn't change. The circumstances didn't magically alter. I still had to leave my bed, leave that room and deal with it. But the stoney feelings transformed into... well... into bread. Something I can use, something I need, something that is nourishing, something I love.