Funny how your past self sometimes has the opportunity to teach your present self things to help your future self.
From my journal, August 11, 2011:
It started much like the other days I lose perspective: a really long day followed by a frustrating evening topped off with a difficult experience. I felt out of touch with the Lizzie that I know and love... the Lizzie that I'm used to. That Lizzie is usually in control, typically easy going and not easily offended. That Lizzie is happy and faithful and hopeful. That Lizzie wasn't around on the evening in question and I was missing her, feeling not at all at home in this foreign Lizzie. Angry, upset, worked up, fed up, pent up frustration seeping out the seams. Hot and angry tears slid down my scowling face as I paced the floor in my room. My room isn't big so the pacing turned more into walking small infuriating circles. In my head flowed thoughts like unto the following:
"I don't deserve this. I'm sick of this. I shouldn't have to put up with this. I want better than this. I want out. I want a break. I've earned a break. I didn't ask for this. This isn't my fault. None of this is my fault. It's someone else's fault and some else's problem and they'd better fix it before I explode."
I felt so misunderstood, and not the kind of misunderstood that comes when I tell people that I like green bananas or admit that I prefer rainy days over sunny days. This was a deeper and more profound feeling of being misunderstood that led into a feeling of being grossly misrepresented. And my natural and indignant self refused to stand for it. I was blinded to perspective by selfish self-preserving anger.
I wish I could say that it was then and there that I hit my knees and turned to the right source, but I can't. I stayed mad. I justified my anger. I stroked my conscience until it stopped protesting and paced around my cell of circumstance, refusing to realize that the keys were in the door and I could leave at any time.
I wanted to be validated. I wanted to call those that love me and say, "Hey... tell me I'm right. Tell me I have a reason to be upset about this. Tell me good things about myself and tell me it'll be okay and make me feel better." You see, what I realize now is that I was seeking something beyond validation. I should have said something like "...and make me feel better about this contention in my heart because deep down I know it's wrong..." but I didn't/ wouldn't see that at the time. Hindsight, people. Hindsight.
Something held me back though, which I'm grateful for. Aren't you thankful for that "something" that always holds you back or makes you move or inspires you to listen or causes you think or stops your mouth? When I get back to Heavenly Father, this is one idea I'm going to want to high-five Him for... that mysterious something.
The situation was hard. A genuinely difficult situation. But I was making it harder on myself and others. I was making it worse.
I went to sleep. Fitful sleep to say the least. Bad dreams that I can't remember but I know they were bad. When I woke I felt stressed and more tired than I was when I went to bed. I laid there, not wanting to get up, not wanting to leave my room.
I think in this tired and vulnerable state, the spirit was finally able to get through the crusty exterior I had built around my heart.
Lizzie, seek peace.
Finally inching to the edge of humility, I began to pray. And it took all of 2 seconds for the feeling to come.
suc·cor
- Assistance and support in times of hardship and distress
verb /ˈsəkər/
- Give immediate assistance; to run to aid of someone or something
That's what I got. Succor from a Father who was literally waiting in the wings for permission to help. He won't ever trod over our agency to get to us. "That He may know according to the flesh how to succor His people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:12) I felt overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and confidence and love.
But He never stops there. Then came the teaching and also the loving chastisement. Clarity.
You don't need to understand why certain things happen. There are times when you perhaps aren't initially at fault that you end up assuming some of that fault based on your reaction, be it public or private. The Lord will not stand for judgement or criticism of his children, period. He will never authorize it or support it. Your obligation is to take the things that happen and change them into good things (i.e. learn from them) before taking them inside of you. If you ask for bread and you hold in your hands something that looks like a stone, ask for His help to change it into bread and then use it for good.
"What man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread will give him a stone? If ye being evil know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"
3 Nephi 14:9
And then came the message that has come many times previously. Lizzie, you're okay. You're okay. The situation didn't change. The circumstances didn't magically alter. I still had to leave my bed, leave that room and deal with it. But the stoney feelings transformed into... well... into bread. Something I can use, something I need, something that is nourishing, something I love.
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