They're good. They're not my favorite candy but I'll admit that sometimes I'll buy them on a whim. But I was having a detailed conversation with my friend Joe today about how I eat my skittles and realized that I have very strong opinions about this certain candy. I have therefore decided to publish my feelings and make known to the world (i.e. the two or three of you that actually read my blog) exactly where I stand on skittle intake protocol.
1) While looking at the candy aisle through the skittle flavors, don’t get distracted. There are the three kings of skittledom and they are titled “Original” (red package), “Tropical” (blue package), and of course the clear favorite- “Wild Berry” (the purple package). You will never go wrong with Wild Berry. The creamy orange pouch labeled “Smoothie” is there to confuse you, just ignore it. The Sour skittles are a different species all together and although good, should probably be considered according to different standards. For some reason the Skittles People thought it’d be a good idea to release a Chocolate flavor version of Skittles, and buying said package is likely one of the worst and most misguided decisions you could ever make. That is Skittles apostasy, my friends. Any choice that causes you to leave the store with Chocolate flavored skittles will only lead to pain and regret. I'm quite possibly the world's biggest chocolate fan (there is a young fat Swedish boy name Lars who is at the moment my competition) and chocolate skittles are not only a degradation to the Skittles name but entirely goes against everything good and wholesome about chocolate. Have I made myself clear? Go with your instinct. Get Wild Berry. Don’t be tricked by Original. It has an overly confident title. Okay... moving on...
2) Once you have bought your purple package of pleasing petite pleasures (I am assuming you made the right choice) take it home and study the flavors. In my research I went out and bought yet another bag of Wild Berries and studied them again. This is what you have to work with:
Raspberry blue- sweet, tangy, tastes like raspberry jam. I love the raspberry aftertaste that lingers on the tounge. It tastes like “I’m really good and there is no denying it so eat another.”
Strawberry pink- subtle at first but the flavor kicks in towards the end. They taste much like a pink starburst. It’s like strawberry is saying, “You all peg me as the wussy flavor but I pack a sweet punch koolaid would be jealous of.”
Wild Cherry red- this is my least favorite of all the wild berries but it still would kick trash in the Original package so you’re still good. Remember when you were younger and you’d convince your mom you had a sore throat just so she’d give you some of those candy-like cherry cough drops? They taste like those. They remind me of getting a hot dog and a bag of skittles at the concession stand after my Saturday soccer games when I was five.
Berry Punch purple- if Skittles had personalities, this one would be the nicest of all of them, I’m sure of it. It reminds me of swimming at the pool down the street from my Aunt Joanie’s house. It reminds me of swinging in the backyard. It tastes like “Yep, I’m really good but I’m not going to attack your taste buds… I’m going to make you happy and leave you wanting another berry punch.”
and finally, Melon Berry green- simply delightful. I was skeptical at first thinking to myself “melons aren’t even close to being berries, let alone wild berries.” But the tart and tangy flavor soon makes your forget all about the oversight.
3) You now need to decide how and in what order you are going to dispose of them. When I get stuck eating an Original package, I typically rid myself of the painful limes, move on and get the awful lemons and oranges out of the way, and then take my time with the grape and cherry. It is annoying to have to wade through over half the package until I get to the enjoyable part. (Note: I eat fruit snacks, Runts, and Trix cereal the same way.) With Wildberry, however, I enjoy each flavor so much that I typically count out how many I have in each color and quickly even it up. For example, if I have eleven strawberries and only seven berry punches, I’ve got to even the score. No playing favorites here, they’re all good. I then eat one color from each group at a time in a specific order.
4) Finally it’s time to jump in and taste the rainbow! Do not under any circumstances mix flavors. It’ll throw off your whole pallet and leave you regretful and sad. One skittle is packed with enough flavor, don’t get too excited. Take your time, drag out the enjoyable experience. Sucking on them until the disintegrate takes enormous self control but is worth it. Remember that deformed skittles taste better- trust me on this one.
Any questions?
