I was for some reason friends with the girl who wore really short shorts and had a southern accent and blonde hair. All I remember about her is that she had recently been voted "fisher woman of the year" and proof of her title was printed on the bottom of all the brown paper bags in the country. She was telling me about all her ex-boyfriends as she drove us to her family's tiny house. She began unloading a surprising number of random items (empty tube of toothpaste, a steering wheel, a broken lamp, a shoe without laces, a power-rangers lunch box...) from her trunk and proceeded to shove said items into my arms. Whatever I couldn't hold on to, she threw on the ground and then I followed her inside (she wasn't carrying anything) to see her smiling mother in the kitchen. Her house only had three rooms and everyone was crammed in to the teensy kitchen/ family room.
This girl whispered to me that her mom liked to be called Darby, even though it wasn't her real name and that her step dad liked (at least for that day) the name "Mr. Pink Panther" so I went in and dropped the articles in my arms and introduced myself to Darby and Mr. Pink Panther. Darby was really nice and she ran to the cupboard and pulled out three or four bags of sugar cereal. "What would'ya like, hon? Sugar noodles? Corn flakes? Which kind?" For some reason I was very familiar with sugar noodles (sugar cereal shaped like rigatoni that tasted like fruit loops) and she beamed as she tossed me the bag. I saw this girl's younger sister, who was disgustingly thin, watching TV while exercising at an unusually quick pace on a rowing machine that took up most of the room. She was also eating massive amounts of chocolate. The step dad was on a lawn chair in a horrendous retro-style golfing outfit and he was holding a bowl filled with eggs.
I glanced in the front room and found that instead of couches and chairs and family pictures, it was arranged as a nursery... only instead of a baby in the crib I saw a baby seal wearing a bonnet. (Are you sufficiently weirded out yet? Just wait....) In my dream I started talking out loud to myself saying, "Okay, Lizzie... don't forget this... it is too random to not share with everyone back in the real world." I started talking to the step dad, who began to educate me on numerous things (how to sew a cushion, the truth behind fertilizer, Obama's secrets, among other things) but the only thing I remember him saying with certainty is this: "Lisa," (he called me Lisa, by the way...) "you can't go around and call people self-conscious or crazy. That is only a plastic hat one man might wear one day out of ten. No siree. A real life is a house with a seal and a bowl of eggs. That's all ya gotta have." The family chuckled their approval as they all adoringly looked at the seal in the next room. And then I woke up.
Eat your heart out, Siggy Freud.
5 comments:
Brilliant! I love that he called you "Lisa" and secondly, I love that the seal was wearing a bonnet!
Hilarious!
whoa....girl, I don't even know where to start!
This dream was amazing. I can't believe your head made that up. Actually I can because you are awesome.
He called you Lisa? He must have been Pakistani. In fact, this whole Pakistan factor (which you left out of your tale, you sneaky person you) explains the whole thing quite well. Last night your future self was obviously trying to deliver a message to you. Seeing as we don't have a fax machine in our apartment (which is the usual form these messages come in), she sent your this message via dream, a slightly less effective but still somewhat resourceful method of communication through the realms. Clearly your future self went through all this in efforts to shield you from a horrible potential future. The message goes something like this:
1- Avoid being friends with blonde Pakistanis. Especially blonde Pakistanis with southern accents, as they will burden your life with their drama without carrying any of the load themselves. Failure to avoid blonde Pakistanis with southern accents will result in the sudden elimination of all toothpaste privileges (thus the empty toothpaste tube). Speaking as your roommate with some personal interests at heart, please do not let this happen.
2- You must view the upcoming Pink Panther movie to discover the secret trick to beating any fishermen from taking your title as Most Amazing Person in the World, or whatever it is. The importance of this cannot be understated, as my sources (which are, in fact, reliable, contrary to common belief) have recently discovered that Ma'rab has taken up fly fishing and plans to use this skill in his next attempt to overthrow you. Also, Ma'rab and Waldo have formed an alliance and are currently shopping for fish bait in Pakistan. Breaking news.
3- The sugary-pasta-cereal meal at first left me confused, but once I cast the scenario in the light of Pakistan it all made sense. Everyone knows that Pakistani meals are not complete without coca cola senza caffeine. Therefore, the fact that you accepted any food at all (despite the attempt to disguise it as pasta-ish stuff) reveals your hidden addiction to it. You have successfully concealed this addiction from the world thus far, but if you do not deviate from this unfortunate course your only life option is to sit in a small room with a TV while endlessly thrashing from withdrawal (a common side effect to coca cola senza caffeine addiction, often mistaken for “exercise”).
4- The baby seal is obviously symbolic for hope. Fortunately, your life has not yet dwindled into the previously stated mess (coca cola senza caffeine addiction, loss of amazingness status, no access to toothpaste, etc.) Your future self has graciously left you with a detailed outline of how to avoid this disastrous future. These steps consist of learning to sew (thus occupying your time in areas other than binge drinking), gardening (where you will learn Obama’s secrets through fertilizer, obviously), and hard boiled Pakistani eggs (which will reveal the key to solving world hunger, therefore restoring Pakistan’s place in world progress, and making you a national hero. Pakistan will then name at least one high school after you.)
In conclusion, the choice is yours: Become a famished coca cola senza caffeine addict, or defeat Ma’rab once and for all by solving world hunger.
Glad I could help.
Mel.
Wow.
Amen.
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