Possession Confession

Confession: I am a possessive weirdo. I really am. Lest you think I am the creepy stalker or jealous girlfriend type, allow me to explain. I am mostly possessive over places.

So, I am slightly crazy. I had this epiphany when looking at a friend's blog where she had posted pictures of her recent adventures in England, Scotland, and Italy. 

Background: In 2005, I went on a study abroad that change my life, mostly because of a few dozen people that I got to know along the way but also largely because of what the British Isles did to my soul. Sounds strange, I know. But I had personal and intimate relationships with places throughout the trip. We hiked in a backpacker-esqe style most of the journey, walking from village to village and meeting people off the beaten path. We walked through the hometowns of famous writers (Wordsworth, Austen, Bronte sisters, Tennyson, etc.) and all of a sudden these untouchable literary geniuses seemed to be personable, understandable, and relatable. I learned more about myself in those months in England, Scotland, and Wales than in any other time of my life besides my time in Italy.  

Speaking of which, I went on this thing called a mission. I was going to take a  little trip over to Italy after my study abroad but decided to save that extra money for a mission that I decided I wanted to serve. Mere months later, the Lord sent me to Italy anyway. I went to Rome and the cities roundabout. And they are my cities. And I own them in my head. And I alone have experienced them. And they are mine. Now, you don't have to tell me that Rome is at the top of many a list of "places to go before I die" or that Florence is one of the most romantic places in the world or that Tuscan country-side is exquisitely beautiful or that Naples will forever be on the itinerary of millions. I know all of that. But my experience there was different. I lived among the people. I'd much rather sit on an old wall and chat with a just-as-old man about the weather while eating fontalupe cheese and bucacacao cookies than go see the historic spots. Those places mean something to me for a different reason. And I am fiercely protective of them... and maybe slightly mentally imbalanced when I think about other people taking them for granted and thinking that they are theirs instead of mine. When I saw my friend's pictures of her jaunt through the UK and Italia, my heart hurt and my mouth went dry and jealousy began to creep in. And then I realized that I'm slightly crazy. 

But aren't we all?

These places became MY places and I guess I never learned how to share because I furrow my brown and frown when I see people standing in front of the same tree/ old building/ lovely view that I have a picture in front of. It was my tree/ old building/lovely view first. I saw it first, I loved it first, I connected with it first. When I was there, I felt like I was the first person to ever truly experience it and I was hoping it would be my secret.  In my logical mind, I know full well that I was not even close to being the first and will not be the last, but I still think in my head that no one will take what I took from said tree/ old building/ lovely view. At least my experiences are unique. Does that make me weird and selfish? 

One place that IS mine and won't ever be the subject of someone else's photo album on someone else's shelf is my family's little cabin up the canyon. Maybe that is why it is my favorite place in the world. It is untouched. And maybe it won't always be mine and maybe someday it will belong to some else and that's okay. Because for now it is just for me and my family and those we choose to share it with. Hmm... if we were to get all psychoanalytical, it might have to do with being in a somewhat nomadic stage of my life. I don't really belong somewhere. My parents' home isn't my home because I don't belong there, my apartment isn't a permanent mine, Provo is certainly not a long-term home... but that's another topic for another day. 

So just thought you should know that I'm crazy. And just thought you should know that you can visit England and Scotland and Wales and Italy if you'd like so long as you remember that they are mine and I saw them first.