Episode 2 of "The Bachelorette- Mel style"

Note: This post is a reply to a post my roommate Mel made on her blog.

Ehem.

Voice over guy: This season on the Bachelorette- Melissa Lynn Moorhead, the single BYU grad from Orange County...

Mel: No I'm not.

Voice over guy: Sorry... not what?

Mel: Not from Orange County. Don't tell them that. I'm from Mission Viejo.

Voice over guy: .... Ooookay... the single BYU grad from Mission Viejo *pauses and glances at Mel who nods her approval* it trying for love on this season of "The Bachelorette." Her roommate, Lizzie Jones, initially signed her up as a joke yet the studio executives thought that Melissa's unique situation would add an interesting twist. "I'm willing to take the risk," Melissa says. "My heart is completely open and I'm ready to find love."

Mel: I never said that.

Voice over guy: But it says here in my notes tha...

Mel: Your notes are wrong.

Voice over guy: *long pause* Last week Melissa was excited to meet 25 eligible bachelors taken from numerous applicants that all profess passionate and deep love for this woman they have never met.

Mel: *snort*

Voice over guy: *ignores Mel and continues* These incredibly attractive and self-absorbed men range in age from 21 to 46. Some are unsuccessful major league baseball players. Some are retired aftershave models. Some are skateboarding wannabes and some are drop-outs... but one thing is for sure... they are all complete imbeciles. Hey... wait... Melissa! I told you to stop revising the script.

Mel: *smiles while whispering to herself* But I'm so funny!

Voice over Guy: *sighs* We hope to see her standing at the final rose ceremony, having made her choice saying, 'I've found the man of my dreams and it's been so worth it." *eyes Melissa who rolls her eyes* Among the remaining nine men competing for Melissa's heart are Fernando Majesto, a 29-year-old Zorro impersonator from Mexico who says "When you woo a woman, you must woooo a wooooman" and Stephen, a car salesman from Pennsylvania who admits he's been on a lot of bad dates. "Women accuse me of being insincere, which is crazy because I'm completely the most... outsincere guy... always." Blaze, the owner of a night club in New York called "Ground Zero" says he's planning on winning Melissa over by lying to her to make himself sound exciting, while Miles from Des Moines claims he believes Melissa agrees with him that women should be seen and not heard... and that women should not vote. Butch, a former Detroit Tigers right-fielder, is "totally pumped to hit a home run with this chick" and plans to propose to her during a baseball game with a message on a blimp. "I already know we have a connection and have memorized her life via facebook stalking," reports an aspiring professional skateboarder named Willy. Gregorius, a one-time Mr. Illinois and ex-model, "can't wait" to have a "picture perfect relationship built on love and tickling"; Billy Rae, a 36-year-old pizza deliveryman wants to dispel the myth that men without their high school diploma are "dummyheads;"and Poindexter Eugene Ninnybottom reports he is very excited to "sit down and discuss which are Sister Moorhead's favorite scriptures. I already just adore that daughter of God and want to throw my arms above my head with glee for the possibility we have of an eternity of companionship study." Melissa's initial reactions to the men were not good, seeing as she immediately dismissed 16 of the 25 candidates and refused to speak with the remaining 9. Instead, she locked herself in the bathroom with a book.

Mel: It was the dictionary. I couldn't find anything else in that ridiculous mansion besides Poindexter's scriptures. But anything is better than them. *glares at the men waving at her through the window*

Voice over guy: When asked to present a first-impression rose to one of the men, she muttered through the door that she was keeping it for herself. She finally escaped out of the bathroom window and fled into the wilderness behind the New England mansion. However, since the first episode had the highest ratings of any reality season premiere in history, the network executives intervened and offered Melissa generous compensation for appearing and doing her best to cooperate. Let's go now to Chris Harrison, the host of the show.

Chris Harrison: Thanks everyone for agreeing to come back after last week's episode. *Mel ignores Gregorius, who is currently blowing her kisses* This week, Melissa will have the opportunity to go on a one-on-one date and a group date with the men of her choice.

Mel: Great. Julius from "Remember the Titans" for the one-on-one. For the group date, lets get Sayid Jarrah from LOST and...

Chris Harrison: Melissa, you're actually going to have to choose from the nine men here.

Mel: Blech, are you freaking kidding me?

Chris: *fiercely whispering to Mel* Do you want your New York penthouse 30th floor apartment filled with books or not?!?

Mel: *gritting her teeth* Fine. Let's get this one-on-one over with. Anyone here have a PhD?

Billy Rae: Is that like a HD TV? Cuz we ain't got none of them things on the farm... but we does gots a donkey! We was a'ridin' him all over theres yisterdee and a'hollerin' and a'shootin' and... sumthin'... *trails off when he see Mel's raise eyebrows* Ne're mine.

Mel: Masters degree? *silence- Mel shakes her head in despair* Bachelor's degree?

Butch: Hey, I'm a bachelor!

Mel: Zip it, Skippy. Anyone heard of college before?

Blaze: I invented college. And the internet. And I'm a spy.

Mel: Wow. Just wow.

Miles: I went DMCC for 9 years!

Mel: DMCC?

Miles: Des Moines Community College. My major was Men's Studies.

Mel: Ughh, you're that guy? The misogynistic one?

Miles: *looks confused and then smiles* Heck yeah I'm the miss ogernisty one!

Mel: No.. I already hate you. *Fernando grabs Mel's hands and tries to salsa dance with her- she beats him away with her shoe* Okay. Anyone know how to make a good muffin?

Poindexter: *squeals in delight* How did you know that was my best talent? Some might even call it a spiritual gift! During the coffee breaks at work... oh, pardon me! I mean the chocolate milk breaks at work I always whip out a basket filled with my fat-free sodium-free sugar-free muffins! In fact, I brought some along today! Oh how I love muffins with all my heart, might, mind, and strength! *giggles stupidly*

Mel: *stares at him in horror* I feel like I want to punch you. Never speak again.

Willy: I know you love muffins. I know you made them last Sunday. I watched you eat three of them.

Mel: *throws a vase at his head*

Stephen: Melissa Lynn, I just want to take this opportunity to read you a poem I wrote about your beauty and grace. From the moment I met you, I knew we were meant to be... and I wrote this for you so sincerelley. You are my fire... my one desire... believe when I say...

Mel: Oh sick. Were you the guy that tried Taylor Swift on me last time? I thought I kicked you off! What's your name again?

Stephen: Stephen, m'lady.

Mel: Oh gosh. *buries her head in her hands* Fine, last chance. Has anyone ever seen an episode of "Arrested Development" before?

Willy: I have! I watched all three seasons 13 times in preparation to come here because I know you like it. And I love you. And I want to meet your family. And you must give me a rose. And I won't let you kick me off. Come home with me. Come home with me. Come. Home. With. Me.

Mel: Whatever. You can come. And anyone who isn't an idiot may come on the group date.

*Billy Rae, Fernando Majesto, and Butch all moan and sit down*

Voice over guy: Coming up next on The Bachelorette- Melissa's one-on-one date doesn't go exactly as Willy had wanted when Melissa doesn't show up and goes to Disneyland by herself. The men on the group date find themselves at a library where Melissa tells them that whoever can actually read a book longer than fifty pages can stay. Emotions run high and most of the men end up crying hysterically. And in the most dramatic rose ceremony yet, Melissa insists on handing out weeds rather than roses and falls asleep in the middle of it.