Why Italy Is Hilarious, Part 2

The Mafia= hilarious

Okay, maybe hilarious isn't the right word in all contexts. Corrupt, horrific, devastating, deplorable, and ickyickygross are all other words that would be appropriate for the Italian Mafia. I could tell you stories that would make your eyes pop out of your face (also ickyickygross) but these are supposed to be hilarious reasons so instead, I will tell you about the laughable parts of the mob.

First, a little background. The Mafia has a very strict code that all "family members" must hold to. They vary from family to family. A family is a certain sect of the Mafia that rule a certain territory. Oftentimes different families compete for territory and leverage. If you live within the boundaries of a certain family, you must pay them a kind of protection tax and in exchange they will guard you from neighboring families that might try to bully you.

With me so far? Well, the following list was taken from a type-written sheet that was seized by the Italian police when they apprehended Italian Mafia Lord (mob boss) Salvatore Lo Piccolo in 2007. He is a serious serious bad guy and is now in jail. (Hilarious note: Salvatore Lo Piccolo means "Savior The Small") The following are 10 commandments (Rights and Duties) of Cosa Nostra (the Italian term for the mafia... it means "our thing"):

1- No one can present himself directly to another of the family There must be a third person to do it.

2- Never look at the wives of the family.

3- Never be seen with cops.

4- Don't go to bars and clubs.

5-Always being available for Cosa Nostra is a duty-- even if your wife's about to give birth.

6- Appointments must absolutely be respectful.

7- Wives must be treated with respect.

8- When asked by a family member for any information, the answer must be the truth.

9- Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others in the family

10- People who can't be part of Cosa Nostra: anyone who has a close relative in the police, anyone with a two-timing relative, anyone who behaves badly and doesn't hold to moral values.

Another hilarious mafia story: Pasquale Manfredi (whose name translates into "Easter-related Cold-hands"... seriously) was a Mafia boss that was being tracked by police for a series of murders. How did they find him? A facebook status update telling his facebook friends where he was.

One more. Elder Davey Johnson was in my MTC group and is like a brother to me. He's also about 8 feet tall and weighs 600 pounds. He played college football and looked it. It was 2 days after we first arrived in Italy and he had been sent down to Naples to serve in his first city. Naples is incredibly corrupt and notoriously crime-ridden (Sisters aren't allowed down there but my pride and joy of the mission is that my mission president asked me to go give a training to the Elders down there so I was the only sister to get to Napoli... so awesome) and Naples is famous for having a very strong Mafia influence. In the middle of his first full day in Italy, Davey was robbed by this squirrelly little whisp of a man who took his backpack and wallet. Inside the backpack was nothing but scriptures and pass-along cards and the wallet was pretty empty as well so it was more of an inconvenience than a crime. But nevertheless, Davey was a bit bummed. He and his companion got to church that Sunday and members found out what had happened. Davey was surprised when a stern younger Italian woman came up to him and began to scold him. Not able to understand Italian, he turned to his companion to translate, who told him what she was saying.

"Elders! How many times do I have to tell you! You run into trouble like this and you call me! If you had called me right after this happened I could have your stuff back in minutes but this might take a while. I'll see what I can do though..."

With that she whipped out her cell phone and stalked out onto the church's balcony. Confused, Davey asked his companion what she meant. He looked amused and said "She's the daughter of one of the biggest Mafia Lords in Naples and her dad just happens to love the missionaries. I think she thinks she can get you backpack back for you by calling her dad and having him talk to his people."

Sure enough, by the end of the 3 hour block Davey's backpack was sitting in the bushes outside the church. Everything was put nicely back inside and his wallet was set neatly on top.

That is another reason why Italy is hilarious.