Mournings.

For those of you that don't know, I'm an insomniac. A bad one. I don't love sleep. I love the feeling after a good night's sleep or after a wonderful nap and I love going to sleep when I'm actually tired, but for the most part sleep is most inconvenient. More often than not, I have what I call the "Christmas Eve mentality." As a kid... well actually as an adult too... I get so excited for Christmas morning that I have an active dialogue going on in my head.

"Go to sleep, Lizzie."

"I can't! I'm too excited."

"Yeah, but as soon as you go to sleep, you'll wake up and it'll be morning. Just try to go to sleep now."

I then try in vain for hours, finally fall asleep in the early hours of the morning, and then wake up grumpy.

This is my life.

"Go to sleep, Lizzie."

"I can't! I'm to excited/ busy/ stressed/ deep in thought/ lazy/ addicted to YouTube videos."

"Yeah, but as soon as you go to sleep, you'll wake up and it'll be morning. Just try to go to sleep now."

Again, I try in vain for hours. I have a really hard time shutting my brain off. It causes a great deal of stress... especially as I start counting the hours. "If I go to sleep now, I'll have to be up in 5 hours." "If I fall asleep right now, I'll only get 4 hours of sleep." "I need to be up in less than 3 hours."

The more stressed I am in my life, the less sleep I get. I tend to deal with my stress at night as I make huge mental lists and think through solutions to all my problems. Also on days that I work a lot, I don't have a ton of time to decompress.

I've tried really hard to get on top of this problem and for the most part I do okay. I have some really rough nights here and there but I have medication I can take if I absolutely need it. But this problem has helped me discover two things about myself:

1) I am incapable of having a pleasant or meaningful conversation in the morning. Some people are infuriatingly happy in the morning and these are the kind of people that I simply can't handle pre-9:00 AM. My sweet roommate Ali is one of these kinds of people. She's the purest and kindest individual I know... she's also a morning person. She's usually up before me and I come stumbling out of my room with my hair all over and my face scowling, she greets me with a loud and boisterous "Morning hon! How are you How did you sleep How is your day What is your plan What are your goals I love you!" When I first moved in, I tried to stammar our responses that sounded at least moderately civil. But you know when sometimes it's fun to put your fingers really close to your face and "smoosh" peoples' heads between your thumb and index finger? That's what I was doing mentally to Ali in the morning as I tried to hide the fact that I wasn't in a talking mood.  As I got to know her better, I became more comfortable. Now when I stumble out of my room, she still fires off questions and comments but she knows that I will ignore them entirely. We've come to a delightful understanding.

Really though, if I had my way people would be forbidden to talk to me until I had been up for more than a good hour.

2) Some people are useless in the morning before their shower. Some need their morning coffee to kick them awake. For me, it's podcasts. Sometimes audio books will do the trick as long as they're interesting and there is also the occasional church talk on Sundays but podcasts and a fail-safe way of getting my mind going. My alarm goes off and the first thing I do is open my laptop and play the most recent Radiolab or Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me episode. It gets my mind going so the rest of me can get going as well. I probably listen to a dozen a week.

One good thing (maybe good is the wrong word) about my insomnia is that occasionally I work super late. Because I generally pick my own hours at work, I can stay for as late as I'd like. I'm good friends with all the security officers that work the graveyards at my office. Around 2:00 AM when I'm feverishly getting things done, they'll come around and check on me. I'll give them cheez-its. They'll tell me jokes. I get a TON done during these late-night sessions because no one is around to bother me or ask me questions. Some of my best work is done post-midnight.

Anyway, all of this was meant to explain why I'm posting this at 2:34 AM.

Sleep, you frustratingly fickle friend, you.