I call this musing "Verbal Vomit"

Up late, surprise surprise. This isn't all due to insomnia, this is partially because I got together with the girls and saw the midnight showing of "The Vow"-- I know. That really is a shocker. Lizzie? Midnight showing of a major chick flick? Correct, my loved ones. And I chicked and flicked with the best of them tonight. I now have a crazy and irrational fears of suddenly losing my memory of the last five years of my life and suddenly being transported back to who I was in 2007. I feel like I need to go write everything down in a journal or something so I don't forget or lose track of myself.

Ironically enough, I have sort of felt in this last week like I've been transported back five years. A health problem I had five years ago has now returned and I'm trying to reason with that in my own mind.  Things will be fine and everything will work out but I've been thinking about how far I've come in five years... how much I've accomplished and who I've become. The thought of going back to my scared 22-year-old self and back to my 22-year-old problems without my 27-year-old knowledge is a frightening thought. Isn't it funny how time not only gives you perspective but it gives you strength and vitality? I thought you were supposed to lose that as you got older and maybe you do physically... but I feel better equipped in other ways today than I ever have before.

Tonight I sit in my messy room with my messy hair and look around thinking about how messy life is. It hurts, dang it. Multiple parts of it hurt. It hurts physically. Your body takes a beating, sometimes through no fault of your own. It hurts emotionally. Circumstances are not always ideal for your emotional being to thrive. It hurts mentally when you're overloaded... it can even hurt spiritually.

Tonight I have a few people on my mind. First, a friend I talked to tonight who recently went through a tough experience that has left her wiser. Her eyes welled up with tears as we talked in line in a crowded movie theater about security and future and life and marriage and siblings. Sometimes the contrast really strikes me... standing by a bunch of boys in bathrobes holding light sabers waiting for the midnight showing of Star Wars seems especially frivolous in the background of a friend sharing how she's trying to heal her bruises and scrapes that accompany life.

I'm thinking of another friend I talked to tonight who has multiple buckets of overflowing ouches and who has to pick one each day--just one-- to focus on. One bucket to try to empty. The ceiling continues to leak and she's trying to keep up. I don't have very many buckets at all and she has several. (Is that visual too abstract? I never really know...)

And...

I'm thinking of another friend that I dearly dearly love... one that I hugged tightly tonight and that I want to call tomorrow. One that has understood various pains of mine and who has patiently and kindly listened to me... one who has also shared with me her pains and has been open and honest with me. I'm thinking about how I need to call her tomorrow and tell her that I love her and that I'm really really sorry. She's someone I'd never want to disappoint or hurt.

We don't often hurt others on purpose. In fact life doesn't always hurt on purpose. God does though. His aim is purpose... giving it to us, helping us understand it. Many times that happens through pushing us backwards a little.

Uggh, I can tell... I'm getting really abstruse and annoying, aren't I? I'm sorry about the lack of detail and all this abstraction... my blog is titled "musings" so I guess posts like this should be expected, yeah? This is musing at its finest-- when no one else can follow a darn thing you're saying.

My point is this. My life currently is not what I thought it would be. And here's some honesty for you: my life is not what I wanted it to be when I was 22 or 19 or 16. If I was presented with a long list of choices for life when I was 16, I wouldn't have picked the one I have. And yet, today... sitting on this unmade bed in mismatched pajamas in Provo, I love it. I LOVE IT. I pick it, I choose it, I relish it. So my question is this: how the heck does that happen? What changed in me over these last several years to change my desires and thoughts to make this life the ultimate life of all lives? I wouldn't pick another. I wouldn't change this. Not the hurt, not the pains, not the wounds or scars or minor scrapes. Maybe because I feel that the Lord has me where He wants me and nothing can match that feeling. No one can mimic that assurance.

I'm italicizing a lot of words. I guess I just really mean it tonight.

And He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith He will take upon Him the pains and the sicknesses of His people... And He will take upon Him their infirmities that His bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that He may know according to the flesh how to succor His people according to their infirmities. 

                                                                             Alma 7:11-12 

I taught an Institute class on Wednesday and a good deal of the time, we talked about how often the Lord repeats over and over in the Book of Mormon that if we are obedient, we will prosper in the land. We really tried to understand that word prosper. It doesn't mean escape unscathed. It doesn't mean have immense success in every area. It doesn't mean everything will be okay all the time. It means we will have what we need to experience JOY. The lasting, eternal, forever kind of joy that doesn't belong to this world. It means that Christ came to give us depth and understanding and experience... not an easier road or a downhill path. We are meant to climb, to rise, to exceed, to exhalt. And when we look at what is in front of us and think, "Wow, this doesn't make sense at all. And furthermore and for the record, I hate it," what that really means is that it makes more sense than we could possibly understand...

So what did I learn while watching Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum have all sorts of on-screen tension during "The Vow" tonight? That every twist and turn that brings you to where you are in life makes sense... even the ones that don't make sense. 


How's THAT for nonsensical cogitation? My old writing professor John Bennion would be so proud...