Jones family dinners

I was up at home one night a few weeks ago and decided to stay for dinner. Dinner time with the Jones family is an absolute treat. Although we have been known to have conventional meals together, sometimes they are just off the wall. My mom usually cooks a nice meal but this time she didn't. The table is usually set but this time it wasn't. We usually end up laughing hysterically and this time was no exception.

Conventional Family: Sits down to nicely set table with matching cups, glasses, and cutlery. Mom pulls lid off of a steaming pot that smells like comfort and home-cooking. Dad remarks "it looks wonderful, dear." Mom answers, smiling, "I got the recipe at Enrichment."

Jones Family: Sits down to plastic plates and cups. Dad creates a distraction and exchanges his somewhat smaller fork for his Johnny's bigger fork. Johnny notices and protests. Lizzie wonders aloud as to why the size of the fork matters. Johnny, having lost the battle over the fork, begins to fret about the evening's menu. He claims to have heard a rumor from one of his sisters that clam chowder was on the menu and dramatically cries, "No! No no no! Not clam chowder, anything but clam chowder. If we have that, I'll probably die." The others chuckle and make mental notes to tease him about this statement for the remainder of his mortal life (and maybe longer). Mom assures him that it isn't going to kill him and puts food on the table. The children don't even flinch at the sight of frozen noodles (Mom cooked them, they were hot, she put them in the freezer to cool them down and forgot about them) and a somewhat burned sauce (Mom told Dad he was in charge of the sauce, he wasn't listening, assumed it was being watched by Mom... sauce burned). Lizzie claims to have burned something the day before and Mom sings her famous song, "I am rubbing off on you... rubbing rubbing off on you!" Everyone joins in and sings it in various octaves and with various uses of vibrato. Several place settings do not have cups at all but half a can of diet coke. Mom pulls out a can of pringles and puts it in the middle of the table. Kathy refers to them as crispy vegetables for the remainder of the meal.

Conventional Family: Dad calls on someone, who offers thanks to the Lord willingly. They begin to dish the food onto plates, rotating the dishes clockwise around the table and politely holding the pan or bowl as the next family member spoons the food.

Jones Family: Dad tries to call on someone to pray but no one hears him because they have all broken into a rousing chorus of the song "Let's Sing About Kathy". Once the singing has quieted, Dad asks Lizzie to pray. She asks if she can pray in Italian. This reminds Dad of the one song he remembers in Dutch, "The Wizard of Oz", and he begins to sing it in a high falsetto voice while the rest of the family bursts into laughter at this surprisingly random performance, clutching their sides and gasping for air. It takes several minutes for everyone to calm down. Lizzie giggles through a prayer in English as the rest of the family muffle snorts. Everyone begins to take food at random. Dad crumbles pringles over his noodles. Kathy gets up and goes to the fridge to make herself a "healthier" meal and then brags about it for five minutes. Johnny refuses to eat and reads the paper instead.

Conventional family: Have pleasant dinner conversation about the happenings of the day and how family, friends, and acquaintances are doing. Dad offers words of wisdom, Mom supports Dad, kids listen attentively and nod their approval at appropriate times and answer questions in detail when asked. 

Jones Family: Dad tries to talk about something profound and/or spiritual but no one can take him seriously because he continues to throw in silly remarks and everyone begins to tease everyone else mercilessly. Sarcasm abounds. Mom ends this tirade by throwing out her favorite trash talk line: "What is YOUR NAME!" The girls snicker. Dad tries to ask about how school is going. Johnny grunts answers. Everyone imitates Johnny's grunts for three minutes, laughing. Someone notices that Johnny is reading the obituary section of the newspaper. Mom raises an eyebrow and asks him why he is reading the obituaries. Johnny shrugs wordlessly and turns the page to the opinion section. Kathy tells the family about a particularly hard professor she has who requires students to bring in an obituary if they claim to miss class due to a death in the family. This starts a tangent of conversation that naturally leads to the family into talking in detail about kidney stones. Kathy claims to have had half a kidney stone the other day. Family roars with laughter. Kathy is upset and claims she is serious. 

Conventional Family: Finish the pleasant meal with gracious thanks to Mom. Everyone excuses themselves and clears off their own plate. Kids begin doing the dishes together without being asked. Mom and Dad smile at each other and at their lovely children that are dressed so smartly and look so sharp. 

Jones Family: Begin laughing at a story involving their oldest brother Danny and his claim over ten years previous to have been in "perfect physical condition"- decide to call the oldest brother's wife to tell her about it. Everyone pulls out their individual cellphone and have a race to see who can call Danny's phone first. Johnny, who still hasn't eaten anything besides a pringle, wins. Lizzie, Dad, and Kathy proceed to call Danny's phone and Johnny's phone several times throughout the conversation between the two brothers, leaving long and obnoxious messages, usually involving various poorly executed accents from around the world. Once Johnny is off the phone, a contest begins to see who can throw their empty paper plate closest to the garbage. Mom glares her disapproval. Mom begins to wonder aloud at Kathy's outfit (mismatched boots, black leggings, a flowered skirt recently procured from thrift town that looks like it may or may not have belonged to a homeless Hawaiian, a plaid vest, and polka-dotted scarf tied around her head) and Kathy, not wanting to be made fun of alone, points out Lizzie's outfit (a long gray skirt, black nylons, red tennis shoes, and an over sized yellow sweatshirt) claiming that hers isn't nearly as bad. Lizzie argues that she's just come from work and was cold and then rounds on Johnny, reminding everyone of his favorite outfit as a four-year-old (cowboy vest and boots, sweatpants, superman cape, stretchy headband around his neck, with a Tigger hat complete with tail and a blanket that had recently been removed from the fridge) but Johnny protests, ordering everyone to stop talking about what he used to dress like and how much had changed in eleven years. Kathy throws her napkin at Johnny's nose. He gets up and begins to chase her around the house. Lizzie follows, as does Jack the dog, barking loudly. Dad goes to the living room to read a book. Mom goes downstairs to watch Law and Order all alone with a huge bag of dill flavored sunflower seeds. 

Don't you wish you could come?

Disclaimer: My parents ARE able to cook well, we DO have dishes at our house, my mom keeps our home VERY clean... but dinners typically are very silly and loud and end in a wrestling match. Just so you know.