Episode 2 of "The Bachelorette- Mel style"

Note: This post is a reply to a post my roommate Mel made on her blog.

Ehem.

Voice over guy: This season on the Bachelorette- Melissa Lynn Moorhead, the single BYU grad from Orange County...

Mel: No I'm not.

Voice over guy: Sorry... not what?

Mel: Not from Orange County. Don't tell them that. I'm from Mission Viejo.

Voice over guy: .... Ooookay... the single BYU grad from Mission Viejo *pauses and glances at Mel who nods her approval* it trying for love on this season of "The Bachelorette." Her roommate, Lizzie Jones, initially signed her up as a joke yet the studio executives thought that Melissa's unique situation would add an interesting twist. "I'm willing to take the risk," Melissa says. "My heart is completely open and I'm ready to find love."

Mel: I never said that.

Voice over guy: But it says here in my notes tha...

Mel: Your notes are wrong.

Voice over guy: *long pause* Last week Melissa was excited to meet 25 eligible bachelors taken from numerous applicants that all profess passionate and deep love for this woman they have never met.

Mel: *snort*

Voice over guy: *ignores Mel and continues* These incredibly attractive and self-absorbed men range in age from 21 to 46. Some are unsuccessful major league baseball players. Some are retired aftershave models. Some are skateboarding wannabes and some are drop-outs... but one thing is for sure... they are all complete imbeciles. Hey... wait... Melissa! I told you to stop revising the script.

Mel: *smiles while whispering to herself* But I'm so funny!

Voice over Guy: *sighs* We hope to see her standing at the final rose ceremony, having made her choice saying, 'I've found the man of my dreams and it's been so worth it." *eyes Melissa who rolls her eyes* Among the remaining nine men competing for Melissa's heart are Fernando Majesto, a 29-year-old Zorro impersonator from Mexico who says "When you woo a woman, you must woooo a wooooman" and Stephen, a car salesman from Pennsylvania who admits he's been on a lot of bad dates. "Women accuse me of being insincere, which is crazy because I'm completely the most... outsincere guy... always." Blaze, the owner of a night club in New York called "Ground Zero" says he's planning on winning Melissa over by lying to her to make himself sound exciting, while Miles from Des Moines claims he believes Melissa agrees with him that women should be seen and not heard... and that women should not vote. Butch, a former Detroit Tigers right-fielder, is "totally pumped to hit a home run with this chick" and plans to propose to her during a baseball game with a message on a blimp. "I already know we have a connection and have memorized her life via facebook stalking," reports an aspiring professional skateboarder named Willy. Gregorius, a one-time Mr. Illinois and ex-model, "can't wait" to have a "picture perfect relationship built on love and tickling"; Billy Rae, a 36-year-old pizza deliveryman wants to dispel the myth that men without their high school diploma are "dummyheads;"and Poindexter Eugene Ninnybottom reports he is very excited to "sit down and discuss which are Sister Moorhead's favorite scriptures. I already just adore that daughter of God and want to throw my arms above my head with glee for the possibility we have of an eternity of companionship study." Melissa's initial reactions to the men were not good, seeing as she immediately dismissed 16 of the 25 candidates and refused to speak with the remaining 9. Instead, she locked herself in the bathroom with a book.

Mel: It was the dictionary. I couldn't find anything else in that ridiculous mansion besides Poindexter's scriptures. But anything is better than them. *glares at the men waving at her through the window*

Voice over guy: When asked to present a first-impression rose to one of the men, she muttered through the door that she was keeping it for herself. She finally escaped out of the bathroom window and fled into the wilderness behind the New England mansion. However, since the first episode had the highest ratings of any reality season premiere in history, the network executives intervened and offered Melissa generous compensation for appearing and doing her best to cooperate. Let's go now to Chris Harrison, the host of the show.

Chris Harrison: Thanks everyone for agreeing to come back after last week's episode. *Mel ignores Gregorius, who is currently blowing her kisses* This week, Melissa will have the opportunity to go on a one-on-one date and a group date with the men of her choice.

Mel: Great. Julius from "Remember the Titans" for the one-on-one. For the group date, lets get Sayid Jarrah from LOST and...

Chris Harrison: Melissa, you're actually going to have to choose from the nine men here.

Mel: Blech, are you freaking kidding me?

Chris: *fiercely whispering to Mel* Do you want your New York penthouse 30th floor apartment filled with books or not?!?

Mel: *gritting her teeth* Fine. Let's get this one-on-one over with. Anyone here have a PhD?

Billy Rae: Is that like a HD TV? Cuz we ain't got none of them things on the farm... but we does gots a donkey! We was a'ridin' him all over theres yisterdee and a'hollerin' and a'shootin' and... sumthin'... *trails off when he see Mel's raise eyebrows* Ne're mine.

Mel: Masters degree? *silence- Mel shakes her head in despair* Bachelor's degree?

Butch: Hey, I'm a bachelor!

Mel: Zip it, Skippy. Anyone heard of college before?

Blaze: I invented college. And the internet. And I'm a spy.

Mel: Wow. Just wow.

Miles: I went DMCC for 9 years!

Mel: DMCC?

Miles: Des Moines Community College. My major was Men's Studies.

Mel: Ughh, you're that guy? The misogynistic one?

Miles: *looks confused and then smiles* Heck yeah I'm the miss ogernisty one!

Mel: No.. I already hate you. *Fernando grabs Mel's hands and tries to salsa dance with her- she beats him away with her shoe* Okay. Anyone know how to make a good muffin?

Poindexter: *squeals in delight* How did you know that was my best talent? Some might even call it a spiritual gift! During the coffee breaks at work... oh, pardon me! I mean the chocolate milk breaks at work I always whip out a basket filled with my fat-free sodium-free sugar-free muffins! In fact, I brought some along today! Oh how I love muffins with all my heart, might, mind, and strength! *giggles stupidly*

Mel: *stares at him in horror* I feel like I want to punch you. Never speak again.

Willy: I know you love muffins. I know you made them last Sunday. I watched you eat three of them.

Mel: *throws a vase at his head*

Stephen: Melissa Lynn, I just want to take this opportunity to read you a poem I wrote about your beauty and grace. From the moment I met you, I knew we were meant to be... and I wrote this for you so sincerelley. You are my fire... my one desire... believe when I say...

Mel: Oh sick. Were you the guy that tried Taylor Swift on me last time? I thought I kicked you off! What's your name again?

Stephen: Stephen, m'lady.

Mel: Oh gosh. *buries her head in her hands* Fine, last chance. Has anyone ever seen an episode of "Arrested Development" before?

Willy: I have! I watched all three seasons 13 times in preparation to come here because I know you like it. And I love you. And I want to meet your family. And you must give me a rose. And I won't let you kick me off. Come home with me. Come home with me. Come. Home. With. Me.

Mel: Whatever. You can come. And anyone who isn't an idiot may come on the group date.

*Billy Rae, Fernando Majesto, and Butch all moan and sit down*

Voice over guy: Coming up next on The Bachelorette- Melissa's one-on-one date doesn't go exactly as Willy had wanted when Melissa doesn't show up and goes to Disneyland by herself. The men on the group date find themselves at a library where Melissa tells them that whoever can actually read a book longer than fifty pages can stay. Emotions run high and most of the men end up crying hysterically. And in the most dramatic rose ceremony yet, Melissa insists on handing out weeds rather than roses and falls asleep in the middle of it.

Pretty Books

I was just thinking about this.

Libraries are so amazing. 

Every good library deserves a ladder.

Old and cool. 

This one is in Rome. 

This is the one that inspired my original vision-- the library from Beauty and the Beast. 

This one is in Wales. 

Books and globes. 

Love it. 

I know. 

Incredible. 

I love the wood in this one.  

Someday I'll have a really old cool map of Italy hanging on my library wall. 

 I feel a connection with this old man. 

Any library with a spiral staircase is amazing. 

And this is my favorite. 

I can't wait to have my own library. A circular library. 

Pam

Lately I've been feeling like Pam in season 3. 

Absolutely unacceptable.

I went to eat a package of shark fruit snacks today and this is what I found in the package.

This just shouldn't happen. I was so mad that I simply threw all of them away. You see, I feel the same way about fruit snacks as I do about skittles. Yellows and oranges are drudgery (only present in the package because of the whole opposition in all things rule) and you wade through them in order to get to the purples and reds. 

Mel suggested I write a strongly worded letter to the Shark people. I think I'll just start saving all of my yellows and oranges and for my revenge send the Shark people a huge package full of them. Muahahahaa.

Overly Conservative

This guy in my ward is the most conservative person I have ever met in my entire life and I think it is pretty funny. He's reasonably nice and a good conversationalist but we simply can't see eye to eye on some key issues. He was telling me one day that he didn't like that I wore my brown leather boots to church. I laughed and asked him what I should have worn. Very seriously, he responded "a modest heel." I asked him to enlighten me by telling me what girls should dress like. This is what he told me. Girls should:

1) Refrain from all boots besides snow boots that correspond with appropriately snowy weather. He said, and I quote, that "the only girls that wear tall leather boots are the kind of girls that hang out on corners". He despises those furry suede boots that are in fashion. In terms of church wear, he also hates overly high heels and sandals. Flats are acceptable, as are shoes with a modest heel.

2) Hair and makeup. Women's hair should be long. It shouldn't be dyed any color that looks unnatural. It should not be cut short and styled to look like the back of a duck or a flock of seagulls. Makeup should be light and shouldn't look like a girl was hit in face with a paintball gun. (He said something like that... made me laugh.)

3) Sunday skirts shouldn't be short and should be conservative. They shouldn't have funky designs. He likes dresses and long skirts. He hates the leggings with skirts or dresses over them look. 

4) He likes collared shirts that are nicely pressed. I remember him saying something about a nice blazers and sweaters too. 

Now I do agree with him on some of those points but it sounds like he wrote the missionary handbook. It blew my mind that a guy would be that opinionated about women's fashion. I was so appalled by his overly conservative tastes that I spoke with my roommates and we decided to play a joke on him. Molly, Mel, and I went home and found our most conservative clothing and got dressed. I'll admit that my red skirt is maybe a little too colorful for his tastes but it is long and made of heavy wool and matched the argyle sweater vest too perfectly. I parted my hair down the middle and tied it into a bun. Mel put on fake glasses. Molly wore pearls. I wore my young women medallion and my Italy Rome Mission pin and my CTR crest pin (I got it as a joke from my Mission President of all people) and an American Flag and Italian flag pin I had. All these pins were stuck on the collar of my shirt, which was buttoned to the very top button. I wore the ugliest shoes I had in my closet. Mel wore a horrible broach and a blazer and plain gray skirt she wore frequently on the mission. Molly wore all black with a collared shirt. 

We went to his house and knocked on the door. When he answered, we were singing in lovely harmony "As Sisters In Zion". He looked confused. I informed him that we had come for the Mrs. [insert his last name here] tryouts we had heard were being held that evening. He looked worried but let us in. We began pulling things out of the bags we brought. We all brought our scriptures in various languages. Molly brought a needlepoint design with a picture of Christ that read "If you could only see yourself the way I see you."  She also brought her flute to perform a nice medley of hymns for the talent portion. Mel brought the Ensign and the Family Proclamation and a cookbook. I brought my Preach my Gospel and my Preach My Gospel DVDs as well as my crocheting and a picture of the temple and my missionary planner. After Molly read the scriptures in Proverbs about a virtuous woman, we talked about how we could raise up the fruits of our loins in righteousness and truth. We called him "Brother" for the entirety of our visit. We posed for a quick picture and I pasted on the fakest smile I could muster (though I was the only one that did so and therefore look pained) and then we talked about the joys of being conservative. We were pretty good at not breaking character. He finally said "you've made your point, girls." We knew our work was done. He and his roommate offered us hot apple cider and we initially declined saying hot drink are not for the belly. 

I think we're really funny sometimes. 

Please love this as much as I do

Dave Barnes is actually one of my favorite musicians. He is brilliant on the guitar and his voice is incredible (look up his stuff on seeqpod.com or itunes... you won't regret it) but my friend Dane sent this to me and I watched it maybe 40 times, laughing hysterically. It's called "Dave Barnes Christmas Extravangan...... za" and it is genius. 

Hysterical. And that is his little daughter next to him.

Light

The Christmas season has snuck up on me and I am sad to say that I haven't really been able to enjoy it just yet as I am incredibly busy with school right now. But I did get up to see the lights this year and all of a sudden my finals and papers and stresses disappeared as I smiled in the light of the Christmas decorations surrounding the temple. So many lights. So beautiful. I love light... it reminds me of so many things. Light overpowers darkness... no matter what. Light trumps coldness... no matter what. Light dispels confusion... no matter what. Light overcomes disbelief... no matter what. Light triumphs over despair... no matter what. Light always triumphs in the end... no matter what. The Lord is referred to as the Light of the world. This is why. When He asks us to follow Him and let OUR light shine, this is what He is asking us to do. Every significant event in the spiritual history of the world is in some way connected to light. A burning bush, the feeling of fire, a marvelous understanding, 3 days of continual sunshine, a bright star... a pillar of light.

 I was in Florence one cold and stormy day sitting in the big Duomo (cathedral) in the middle of the city. The Duomo doesn't have lamps- light pours into the beautiful windows at the top of the church illuminating the room. But on days when the sky is dark and sun is gone, the cathedral is dark and freezing. I like to watch people (especially Italians because they are so expressive) and I watched as this young Italian couple entered the Duomo with their daughter. Once inside, this little girl instantly began squirming to get out of her dad's arms. He let her down and it was obvious that she had recently learned to walk. As soon as her little shoes hit the cold tile floor, her little legs took off. She was racing towards the middle of the Duomo, almost falling over herself she was running so fast. A few times she was a little unsteady on her feet and she fell once but got up and kept at it. I looked at what she was running towards. In the middle of the huge room, there was a huge table covered in tiny lit candles... she was running for the light. We are innately uncomfortable in darkness and drawn to light and this little girl was a perfect example of that. She ran. She fell but she kept running. And that, my friends, is what Christmas is all about. Recognizing the light (synonyms being hope, goodness, understanding, spirit, love, joy, life, charity, faith, and warmth) that Christ brings to the world and then doing all we can to attain it (run to it) and then share it with others.

Ammon put it pretty well. "Yea, they were encircled about with everlasting darkness and destruction; but behold, he has brought them into his everlasting light, yea, into everlasting salvation; and they are encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love; yea, and we have been instruments in his hands of doing this great and marvelous work."

This is only one of the reasons I love Christmas. 

Still gets me every time...

I can't sleep.

Watched this again and it made me tear up... again. Reminded me of when I wrote this. Two months later the feelings and emotions are still fresh. I think I miss Italy most during Christmastime. It's hard to express the love I have for my mission so that others understand. I got a letter today from one of my favorite Elders I've ever taught at the MTC and his Italian was absolutely flawless. He's been out for 5 months. Reminds me what a miracle a mission really is. I want to go back to visit Italy so badly. Amo gli italiani con tutto cio' che ho. Mi mancano tantissimo. Forza Italia!!

Sense.

Lets just talk for a minute about how much this made me laugh. Maybe it was because of a lack of sleep... maybe it was me being slightly doped up on cold medicine... or maybe it is because this is hysterical. Its people like the taker of this photo that make the world go round. 

"Deck My Blog With A Christmas Background" and Other Christmas Carol Favorites

Christmas is coming!!

I know there are those of you that are rolling your eyes at me right now for decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving is even over. Just know that I'm rolling my eyes right back at you... you Scrouges you. It is never too early for Christmas. I'm getting so excited. It really starting to feel like the Christmas season. It's getting colder, the radio has begun to play Christmas music, and Christmas colored candy is showing up in the stores. I went home this last weekend and was delighted to see that my dad already put up our christmas lights. I am my father's daughter. Throughout the day, I am hit with what I call "christmas chills" where suddenly my mind reminds the rest of me that Christmas is coming and I get goosebumps and a silly grin on my face. Such a good feeling. 

So Thanksgiving is next week and I am so excited. It's going to be nice to spend some time with the family and eat Grandma Di's cooking. We always go down to St. George and spend time with the Sheets side (my Mom's side) of the family. I feel like those cousins are more like siblings than anything so it's always a lot of fun. My brother Danny and his wife Taryn will be with her family and my cousin Tom is in Brazil on a mission but the rest of us will be there. It's going to be crazy. 

Anyway, for you entertainment pleasure, I thought I'd post this: Christmas Carols for the Mentally Diseased. Makes me laugh. Each disorder has their own Christmas Carol written especially for them. Enjoy.   

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck The Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.........

Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

ADHD -- Hark the herald angels sing ba-rum-pa-pum-pum in the little town of Bethlehem up on the housetop in a winter wonderland one foggy Christmas Eve hey how bout them Bears no I don't want to switch to Sprint but thank you for shopping at K-Mart

Retirement.

This is Mel. Mel was my mission companion for 5 months. Mel is now my roommate. When I first met Mel over two years ago, her hair was long. Like this. 

And this. 

Then one day she made me do this. I was scared. She was probably scareder. 

It was a terrifying and nerve-racking experience... having someone else's life in your hands. But I cut her hair. And then she looked like this. (She's with Nurshia and Anil, two of our favorite investigators we found and started working with.)

And life was good. 

But then over two years later(meaning last week), she wanted me to repeat the process. She caught me in a moment when I was feeling particularly confident. I agreed. I cut her hair. And my nerves about gave up on me this time. 

Therefore, I'd like to announce that I am officially retiring from the hair-cutting business. I love you all. 

8 things

Mel tagged me and accused me of pretending I hate tags... darn you Mel. You're right. This gives me a mental break in my day and I can't complain about that.

8 Things 8 shows I enjoy watching:
1) The Office
2) What Not to Wear
3) Friends
4) So You Think You Can Dance
5) the history channel
6) Whose Line is it Anyway
7) I used to be really in to Alias
8) Recess

8 things that happened yesterday:
1) stayed up late talking to Mel and then slept in (love Sundays)
2) went to Holladay to eat my favorite dinner (chicken and broccoli casserole) with my family to celebrate Taryn's birthday (and talked a lot about my niece/nephew that's coming in May!)
3) contemplated my life, my future, and myself while sitting in church
4) cleaned the kitchen
5) answered 53 text messages (I know... an insane amount... it's very unlike me)
6) vowed to straighten my room at least 7 times... and never got around to it
7) tried to figure out why at my house we tend to refrigerate multiple pitchers each containing a centimeter of water
8) listened to an incredible amount of Christmas music

8 things I'm looking forward to:
1) Christmas
2) beginning of next week
3) Thanksgiving
4) Kathy getting her mission call
5) my birthday
6) next semester
7) the snow
8) going to the cabin

8 things I love about fall:
1) it means Christmas is coming
2) the cold weather
3) leaves changing
4) hot chocolate
5) scented candles (pumpkin, cinnamon apple, pine, etc)
6) winter clothes
7) holidays
8) breathing in the crisp cold pine tree smell

8 things on my wish/dream/goal list:
1) go back to Italy
2) get some big decisions behind me
3) get a masters degree
4) run a half marathon
5) get laser eye surgery
6) live in Seattle
7) spoil my niece/ nephew
8) keep up my Italian

Our I-15 Mishap: A Story in Pictures

There are some singularly significant events that take place in a person's life in which they "wake up" to the reality of some kind of universal truth. This was one such experience. It is the story of four friends who decided to take a road trip, during which they almost lost faith in humanity and brotherly kindness. Sound dramatic? Just wait...

This last weekend, I was with my cousin Molly and our friends Joe and Jeremy. We were on our way to St. George to go biking and hiking for the weekend when Molly noticed her gas light was on. Thinking she could make it to the next city, she kept driving. But pretty soon, the car began slowing down.

Joe and I had just woken up from naps in the back seat. I asked what was going on and Jeremy grinned. "We're out of gas," he announced.

I caught Joe's priceless reaction.

The car began to coast along the side of the road. Hazard lights were turned on and Joe got out. He started pushing but it soon became painfully obvious just how far we were from a gas station. Nearly 20 miles.

So he began to try to get people to stop.... without success.

Molly whipped out her beauty queen wave hoping to play the feminine card and elicit a little sympathy. No one cared. It wasn't a huge deal seeing as we weren't necessarily pressed for time and were all together... we made it fun... but it became more and more frusterating as we saw the minutes tick away because no one would stop despite our waving and calling and pleading.

Fifteen minutes passed. No one would stop. Twenty minutes. Still no one. Twenty five. Nada. Niente. Zip. Zilch.

Finally we saw a white car pull over and Joe ran to meet them then drove off into the distance, leaving the rest of us alone. We sat and waited. And waited. And waited and waited. Jeremy decided to take matters into his own hands.

He unhooked his bike from the back of the car...

... and hooked it to the front...

... and began to tow the car himself.

We watched as the cars passed laughing and pointing... yet no one stopped. It had been thirty minutes. Then forty. No one stopped to see if we were in trouble. No one stopped.

Jeremy continued to pull with all his might when all of a sudden, disaster struck.

His bike chain broke under the strain.

It was looking a bit grim. We were loosing enthusiasm (see my right thumb).

We were still, however, trying to remain optimistic.

But more time passed and I became desperate. I began to pull. Yet, strong though I am, I simply was not strong enough.

Forty five minutes. Fifty. We saw some animals in a nearby field and Jeremy went to try to persuade them to help, but the barbed wire discouraged him.

Morale was getting low. It was looking more and more hopeless. We finally gave in and broke out the sun chips and fruit roll-ups, consigned to our fate. We were going to die on the side of I-15.

Molly enjoyed the last moments she had left with a batman fruit roll-up.

We talked about our lives and our memories, reminiscing and sighing sadly at the thought of dying so young. Joe and Jeremy were only 24... Molly and I a mere 23 years of age. Our strength began to fade and we had to lean on the car for support.

When suddenly we saw something in the distance. It was a white car. It got bigger and whiter as it got closer. A white Jeep Cherokee driving their way. Inside was Joe and Bill, Jackie, little Sammy and her dog Sassy.

They pulled over and offered their assistance. Jackie, Bill, Sammy, and Sassy drove Joe nearly twenty miles to the gas station and then all the way back. The car was given enough gas to get us on our way. Jackie, Bill, and Sammy didn't ask for anything. They accepted some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and that was it. But their selflessness was amazing.

We finally made it to St. George and went to In n' Out, happy that we had successfully overcome our near-death experience. We ate ravenously.

It was Jeremy's first time tasting an In n' Out burger. He almost didn't live to see this moment. Cheered by the idea of living long and healthy lives, we had a great weekend in Southern Utah.

We visited Grandpa Gary and Grandma Di and had a grand ole' time.

But I realized through this experience how often we overlook others. Throughout this entire hour-long ordeal, Bill and Jackie were the only ones to stop and offer their help. They went entirely out of their way to offer some assistance. They were not a wealthy family... just good people doing a good deed for a bunch of BYU students they didn't know. I watched countless other cars pass us, laughing at the sight of Jeremy towing us on his bike or me pulling the car behind me... but they just stared and drove past. People in nice SUVs or sedans who probably weren't in a huge hurry... but they pretended not to see us or pretended not to have time. I realized that I do that sometimes as well. We got back in the car after Joe put some gas in the tank and he told us a little bit about Jackie, Bill, and Sammy and we marvelled at their kindness and all vowed that we'd be better about stopping to help others.

So that is my new goal. Go out of my way to help people who look like they need it just because it's the right thing to do and it's something I would want if I was in trouble.

It makes a good story and was a great weekend.